The following Church Publications can be found at www.LDS.org (subtitle, Gospel Library, then (Church Magazines) HTML. Sorry not to have sources on all of the following. Originally, I was just browsing, and excerpted portions of articles. Doing a search for exact word matches should pull up sources if you would like them.) The following entire articles make excellent reading on dating. I did not have time to go back for sources once I decided to put this on the ward website.
Sister Harker
Date Wisely Mormonad, New Era,
M. Gawain Wells, "Breaking Up without Going to Pieces: When Dating Doesn't End in Marriage," Ensign, June 1982, p. 58
David B. Haight, "Young Women--Real Guardians," Ensign, Nov. 1977, p. 56
John D. Claybaugh, "Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends," Ensign, Ar. 1994, p. 19
Brad Wilcox, "Just Hanging Out," New Era, Aug. 2001, p. 8
LeGrand R. Curtis, "Searching for the One You Will Marry," New Era, June 1993, p. 4
Jeanette Goates Smith, "Dating, Give Me a Brake," New Era, June 1993, p. 9
Bruce Monson, "Speaking of Kissing", New Era, June 2001, p. 32
LaRayne Sargent Miller, "FYI, For Your Information" (group dating), New Era, Feb. 1993, p. 32
A collection of shorter excerpts from Ensigns and New Eras follows:
- We only have to make important decisions once.
-We marry those we date.
- Living the law of chastity is very essential to our personal happiness. Do things that will help you and your companions maintain your self-respect and remain close to the Spirit of the Lord.
Gospel topics: dating, marriage
Many young men and women go into dating with no preparation. We cannot assume that they know what to do. In our family, my husband took each of our daughters on a few "dates" before age sixteen to help them learn etiquette. He began by knocking on the door, allowing our daughter to invite him in and practice introducing him to me. He taught her how to feel comfortable ordering from a menu while being conscious of the price, how to hand her coat to a young man and give him the opportunity to help her put it on, and how to allow him to be a gentleman in other ways. (Watching the kind, respectful little things parents do for each other is likely the best teacher here.) I took our sons out for similar experiences. All of us had a great time, and our children were more prepared when real dates came along.
But learning date etiquette is not enough preparation. One bishop of a college-age ward commented: "Parents need to be specific in helping their teenagers know what's appropriate affection on a date." He said many fine young people he knew who had morally transgressed had not recognized the steps leading up to it. Parents need to help young people know the difference between an appropriate kiss and hug and inappropriate friendships can turn into something more serious, but don't rush it. Keep things on a friendly basis while you are still in your teens. Don't do anything that will hurt the feelings of those you date. And don't do anything that will cause you to look back with regret. If you go out as groups of friends, you can look back at your high school days as being a fun time in your life".--Pres. Hinckley
President Spencer W. Kimball:
"If one really loves another, one would rather die for that person than injure him. At the hour of indulgence, pure love is pushed out one door while lust sneaks in the other. Your affection has been replaced with biological materialism and uncontrolled passion. ...
"When the unmarried yield to the lust that induces intimacies and indulgence, they have permitted the body to dominate and have placed the spirit in chains. It is unthinkable that anyone could call this love" (Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1972], p. 154).
Prophets' standards
Explain that if the young women are to keep their dating relationships happy and virtuous, they must keep their expressions of affection within the limits set by the Lord through his prophets. Present, or have young women present, the following standards for expressing affection during dating:
Kissing: "A kiss is an evidence of affection. A kiss is an evidence of love, not an evidence of lust--but it can be. Don't ever let a kiss in your courtship spell lust. Necking and petting are lustful; they are not love. ... I don't mind [you] kissing each other after you have had several dates; ... not the kiss of passion, but the kiss of affection" (Spencer W. Kimball, address to missionaries, 2 Jan. 1959).
Being Alone Together: "In interviewing repenting young folks, as well as some older ones, I am frequently told that the couple met their defeat in the dark, at late hours, in secluded areas. ... The car was most often the confessed seat of the difficulty" (Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 225).
Necking and Petting: "Among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are necking and petting. Not only do these improper relations often lead to fornication, pregnancy, and abortions--all ugly sins--but in and of themselves they are pernicious evils" (Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 65). They also need to know how to immediately get out of compromising situations.
"In many English-speaking countries, dating is considered a good way to get to know a variety of people. However, a date can be misunderstood by the two people involved. One may consider it just a casual thing, while the other person may see it as something more serious. You may be able to help make your position clear by talking about your friendship, and mentioning to others that you enjoy each other's company as friends.
What it means for you
In observing the students I have taught in seminary over the last two decades, I noticed more and more youth choosing to carefully follow the instructions found in For the Strength of Youth.
President Spencer W. Kimball stated, "Kissing has ... degenerated to develop and express lust instead of affection, honor, and admiration. To kiss in casual dating is asking for trouble. What do kisses mean when handed out like pretzels and robbed of sacredness?" (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 281).
Since President Hinckley has asked youth not to become steadily involved with one person while in high school, does that mean that kissing while in high school is unwise? I had not heard President Kimball's counsel while I was dating, but fortunately some personal experiences taught me the truth of his advice. After I graduated from high school, I thought a lot about how special kisses should be.
I have more and more students each year in my seminary classes express the desire to follow President Kimball's counsel and save their kisses. There are many who have decided to stop kissing in their dating relationships and wait for a time when it can be more meaningful. I have children who have chosen to follow that advice, and I have seen the blessings that flow from it. If you will be determined to save your kisses for the appropriate time, and follow the guidelines set for us by prophets, you will reap the joy and peace that come from keeping sacred things sacred. You will also avoid the great sorrow and heartache that come from falling into the trap of immorality.
Don't give up what you want most for something you want now. If, as Mormon tells his son, virtue is most precious and dear above all things (see Moro. 9:9), then it is worth sacrificing for.
What can you do if you're nineteen and you have never had a date?"
Sharon Staples, "Q&A: Questions and Answers," New Era, June 1971
Cry a lot--which is probably one of the healthiest emotional releases under the circumstances. However, what you tell your friends and how you spend your Friday and Saturday evenings may require different tactics.
If you lived in one of several Latin American countries, you would be too young to date at nineteen; if you lived in one of several aborigine villages, you would be married at age twelve and would not have to worry about dating at a later time.
What I am saying is that in America, our society, the mysterious ruler of our social behavior, tells us that it is okay to begin dating in our high school years. And if we do not begin our dating career at approximately this time of life, we are punished individually, not by society but by our own feelings of inadequacy. What a penal system! The mysterious "they" set up the rules in such a manner that if we cannot meet those rules, we punish ourselves. Unbelievable!
If we could only get the criminal element of society to do the same, what a lovely and peaceful world we would have.
I think the problem of how to deal with our own feelings of "not-quite-making-it" is a challenge, one that must be met individually, because our society does not provide for a collective substitute.
First things first: (1) I am nineteen and not dating. (2) How does that make me feel? (3) What am I going to do about those feelings? (4) Will what I do, change my dating pattern or my attitude? (5) If it changes my dating pattern, Hurrah! (6) If it changes my attitude, Hurrah! (7) If it does neither, I need to try again.
Situations, problems, and difficulties are not the real issues in life. It is how we handle them.
Since boys are people, not dating may be an indication that one is not relating well on any level to other people. This is a concern worth working on.
A positive attitude about not dating should be supplemented by positive action to improve your social status. An honest personal appraisal is a good starting place. The things that need improving or enhancing in your appearance, grooming, personality, or disposition ought to be dealt with.
Go where the boys are is also a suggestion worth considering. During your dating years, plan your classes, your involvements, your committees, your hobbies so that you are in the company of young men. You aren't likely to get a date if you don't know any boys. Getting interested in things makes you more interesting, and that makes you more attractive and more likely to be asked for dates!
Counting friends, not dates, is a better pastime. Life is the greatest gift we have, and to lose even one day worrying about one of society's silly, unwritten rules is a self-punishment we should never allow.
Gospel topic: courtship
"Is it right to stress marriage right after a mission?"
Answer/Ernest L. Eberhard, Jr.
This question undoubtedly refers to counsel sometimes given by well-meaning persons to missionaries--counsel that they should be married shortly after they return from their full-time missions. As a beginning point in finding an answer to this question, an investigation through the Church Historian's Office failed to locate such counsel in the speeches and writings of the presidents of the Church. However, President Joseph F. Smith did make an interesting statement on this subject. He said, "We hold that no man who is marriageable is fully living his religion who remains unmarried." (Juvenile Instructor, vol. 37, p. 400.)
President Smith's statement poses the question, When is a young man marriageable? Certainly age is only one factor. The Lord expects him to be able to truly stand at the head of his family and be accountable for its economic, emotional, and spiritual welfare. The ability to do this depends upon not only age but also total readiness for marriage. A young man must think of the training and education he will need to properly sustain his family. The financial circumstances of the young man or his family will determine whether he can marry and also acquire the training he needs to provide his family with the necessities of life.
But beyond vocational and economic considerations, there is the vital question of whether he is properly prepared through an adequate courtship and engagement period.
Marriage, in the best sense of the word, is more than a legal or temple ceremony. It is a spiritual and emotional union that needs to be achieved before legal and physical union takes place. Many and varied social and religious reactions and interactions must be experienced before a true oneness of spirit and personality is realized. Such a union takes time. This is especially true of dedicated Latter-day Saint youth, whose courtship might well be termed a "temple courtship."
Whereas an ordinary courtship may merely be an unplanned continuation of a dating relationship that has proven very enjoyable, a temple courtship has a unique spiritual goal--finding a suitable mate for an eternal partnership with God. It takes more time for such a courtship to reach its fruition. There must be a revelation to each other of innermost ideals and loyalties. Such a courtship involves extensive contact in a wide range of life experiences with each other's parents, relatives, and friends. Emphasis on proper preparation and readiness, and not on immediate marriage at the close of a mission, is the proper stress for the returned missionary who wants to do all he can to lay a good foundation for an eternal family kingdom.
Gospel topic: marriage
"Should a girl worry about not getting married?"
Answer/Alberta H. Christensen
No. Worry does not solve a problem nor is it even an enjoyable activity.
It is normal for a Latter-day Saint girl who knows that marriage and motherhood are ordained of God and that the family unit may continue throughout eternity to look hopefully toward a happy marriage in this life. She should continue to do this. She should, however, keep in mind that marriage age patterns differ widely from country to country and culture to culture, even from family to family. Thus, no specific chronological age for marriage could be given that would have universal application.
In American culture, for example, there are unnumbered individuals who marry in their late teens yet mature into wise and happy marriage partners. Conversely, numerous late-in-life marriages are exceptionally happy and will be eternally rewarding. The marriage ceremony itself does not guarantee happiness and personal fulfillment. Divorce court records confirm this statement.
Every girl should be continuously engaged in constructive activities that will prepare her to be a happy and valuable person. This will be the result of living in harmony with gospel teachings and ideals. If possible, she should acquire specific vocational training, including homemaking skills. Where possible, she should engage in activities that give her opportunities to make new friends and to meet eligible and desirable men.
She should learn that the truly happy woman is one who considers life an enriching experience and who knows the joy of unselfish service to others.
The single girl should not be unduly concerned about her age, but very much concerned about the quality of her personal life.
From our church leaders comes this counsel:
"... You good sisters, who are single and alone, do not fear that blessings are going to be withheld from you. You are not under any obligation or necessity of accepting some proposal that comes to you which is distasteful for fear you will come under condemnation. If in your hearts you feel that the gospel is true and would under proper conditions receive these ordinances and sealing blessings in the temple of the Lord, and that is your faith and your hope and your desire, and that does not come to you now, the Lord will make it up, and you shall be blessed, for no blessing shall be withheld. ..." (Joseph Fielding Smith, Elijah the Prophet and His Mission [Deseret Book Co., 1957], p. 51.)
"You young women advancing in years who have not yet accepted a proposal of marriage, if you make yourselves worthy and ready to go to the House of the Lord and have faith in this sacred principle, even though the privilege of marriage does not come to you now, the Lord will reward you in due time and no blessing will be denied you. You are not under obligation to accept a proposal from some one unworthy of you for fear you will fail of your blessings." (Harold B. Lee, Youth and the Church [Deseret Book Co., 1955], p. 1).
May I first speak to young people about personal selfishness in courtship? Actually, what is the main purpose for dating? Isn't it to get to know another person well enough to know what kind of a partner that person would be? Isn't it to learn to know that other person's character, interests, talents, and abilities? Or is dating merely an opportunity to satisfy one's passions? Each person will have to answer that question for himself. However, a sure guide would be to follow the words of the Savior: "Again I say unto you, let every man esteem his brother as himself" (D&C 38:25).
President Spencer W. Kimball recounted an experience he once had:
"Recently I met a young returned missionary who is 35 years old. He had been home from his mission for 14 years and yet he was little concerned about his bachelorhood, and laughed about it.
"I shall feel sorry for this young man when the day comes that he faces the Great Judge at the throne and when the Lord asks this boy: 'Where is your wife?' All of his excuses which he gave to his fellows on earth will seem very light and senseless when he answers the Judge. 'I was very busy,' or 'I felt I should get my education first,' or 'I did not find the right girl'--such answers will be hollow and of little avail. He knew he was commanded to find a wife and marry her and make her happy. He knew it was his duty to become the father of children and provide a rich, full life for them as they grew up. He knew all this, yet postponed his responsibility" (Ensign, Feb. 1975, p. 2).
I realize that some of you brethren may have genuine fears regarding the real responsibilities that will be yours if you do marry. You are concerned about being able to support a wife and family and provide them with the necessities in these uncertain economic times. Those fears must be replaced with faith.
I assure you, brethren, that if you will be industrious, faithfully pay your tithes and offerings, and conscientiously keep the commandments, the Lord will sustain you. Yes, there will be sacrifices required, but you will grow from these and will be a better man for having met them.
Now, brethren, do not expect perfection in your choice of a mate. Do not be so particular that you overlook her most important qualities of having a strong testimony, living the principles of the gospel, loving home, wanting to be a mother in Zion, and supporting you in your priesthood responsibilities.
Of course, she should be attractive to you, but do not just date one girl after another for the sole pleasure of dating without seeking the Lord's confirmation in your choice of your eternal companion.
And one good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire to your finest deeds, do you wish you were better than you are? -- Pres Benson
I performed a marriage some ten or fifteen years ago for a couple. I received a letter not long ago from this mother. As the letter began I thought, "Well, here goes another one of the temple marriages that has failed." But then the tone of the letter began to change. She said, "When we thought that the end was here and that there was only one thing to do and that was to get a divorce, we had been told that we should counsel with our bishop. At first thought we hesitated, because he was just a young man. He was younger than we are. But he was our bishop so we went to see him. We poured out our souls to our young bishop. He sat and listened silently, and when we ran out of conversation he said, simply, 'Well, my wife and I, we had problems, too, and we learned how to solve our problems.' That is all in the world he said. But you know there was something that happened as a result of that young bishop's statement. We walked out of there and we said, 'Well, if they can solve their problems, what is the matter with us?'"
Teach those who are having problems to go to the father of the ward, their bishop, for counsel. No psychiatrist in the world, no marriage counselor, can give to those who are faithful members of the Church the counsel from one any better than the bishop of the ward. Now, you bishops don't hesitate to say, marriage is the law of God, and is ordained by him and man and wife are not without each other in the Lord, as the apostle Paul declared.
Now, let me say just a bit more about this matter of marriage. This may sound a little bit bold to urge marriage for those who are past the marriageable age; but in some of our countries, where we are bringing in new converts, we are shocked to know that some men are delaying marriage until their later thirties or into their forties, and they have never talked of marriage. Here I have quoted from a president of the Church, President Joseph F. Smith, who has told us in plainness that today a flood of iniquities is overwhelming the civilized world and that one great reason therefore is the neglect of marriage. It has lost its sanctity in the eyes of the great majority. It is at best a civil contract, but more than often an accident, or a whim, or a means of gratifying the passions; and when the sacredness of the covenant is ignored or lost sight of, then a disregard of the marriage vows under the present moral training of the masses is a mere triviality, a trifling indiscretion.
Brethren, we must again think of our responsibilities as holders of the priesthood. I believe I have a letter here from a sister that pinpoints something that some of these girls are going through. I think I can read this without divulging any confidence, without telling her name. She is talking about an experience she has gone through, and others she meets with tell her the same thing. There is a man who has been dating her for years and he comes especially at meal-time. She is a 27-year-old woman.
Here is another one who says, "I am a 40-year-old single woman." Another one says, "I am a 30-year-old single woman." And then they all say about the same thing, and without repeating these stories, they all read about the same: "For the past year and a half I have been dating a fellow who is 33. We see each other almost every day. I have sought counsel from my bishop; and although he has been very kind, patient, and understanding, he really doesn't know how or what to advise me. I have tried to terminate the relationship, but it seems to drag on. There is no commitment; realistically, there is also very little hope."
Pages could be filled with similar cases, each a little different and yet all so similar.
"He has a job; he hangs around; he is playing marriage. His lifestyle seems to be an adaptation of that of worldly couples who live together without benefit of or commitment to marriage. There probably is no immorality involved in many cases, but it is a degenerative condition and does not by any means 'avoid the appearance of evil.' And the girls are probably as guilty as the fellows for allowing such conditions to exist; however, they are limited in their efforts to bring about satisfactory solutions."
I think that is enough to give you the other side of the story from the girls who are frustrated. All women have a desire for companionship. They want to be wives; they want to be mothers; and when men refuse to assume their responsibility of marriage, for no good reason, they are unable to consummate marriage. Brethren, we are not doing our duty as holders of the priesthood when we go beyond the marriageable age and withhold ourselves from an honorable marriage to these lovely women, who are seeking the fulfillment of a woman's greatest desire to have a husband, a family, and a home.
Now don't misunderstand me. I am not trying to urge you younger men to marry too early. I think therein is one of the hazards of today's living. We don't want a young man to think of marriage until he is able to take care of a family, to have an institution of his own, to be independent. He must make sure that he has found the girl of his choice, they have gone together long enough that they know each other, and that they know each other's faults and they still love each other. I have said to the mission presidents (some of whom have been reported to us as saying to missionaries, "Now, if you are not married in six months, you are a failure as a missionary"), "Don't you ever say that to one of your missionaries. Maybe in six months they will not have found a wife; and if they take you seriously, they may rush into a marriage that will be wrong for them."
Please don't misunderstand what we are saying; but, brethren, think more seriously about the obligations of marriage for those who bear the holy priesthood at a time when marriage should be the expectation of every man who understands the responsibility; for remember, brethren, that only those who enter into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage in the temple for time and eternity, only those will have the exaltation in the celestial kingdom. That is what the Lord tells us.
Now, brethren, will you think seriously about that, and take from us our counsel, and don't rush hastily into it. Take time, yes, but don't neglect your responsibility and your obligations as holders of the holy priesthood. Pres. Harold B. Lee
I performed a marriage some ten or fifteen years ago for a couple. I received a letter not long ago from this mother. As the letter began I thought, "Well, here goes another one of the temple marriages that has failed." But then the tone of the letter began to change. She said, "When we thought that the end was here and that there was only one thing to do and that was to get a divorce, we had been told that we should counsel with our bishop. At first thought we hesitated, because he was just a young man. He was younger than we are. But he was our bishop so we went to see him. We poured out our souls to our young bishop. He sat and listened silently, and when we ran out of conversation he said, simply, 'Well, my wife and I, we had problems, too, and we learned how to solve our problems.' That is all in the world he said. But you know there was something that happened as a result of that young bishop's statement. We walked out of there and we said, 'Well, if they can solve their problems, what is the matter with us?'"
Teach those who are having problems to go to the father of the ward, their bishop, for counsel. No psychiatrist in the world, no marriage counselor, can give to those who are faithful members of the Church the counsel from one any better than the bishop of the ward. Now, you bishops don't hesitate to say, marriage is the law of God, and is ordained by him and man and wife are not without each other in the Lord, as the apostle Paul declared.
What is the place of psychological counseling in the Church? When do you see the bishop, and when do you see a counselor--or can you do both?
Answer/Elder Marvin J. Ashton
The Father has always had helpers in his kingdom: his Son to create the world, Adam and Eve to begin the mortal race, and all manner of men for all manner of tasks. God did not do it all by himself. He did direct the creation, the procreation of mankind, and all that has concerned this earth; however, he had help, and with that help he was able to accomplish that which he set about to do.
Our biological and environmental scientists assist our Father in heaven, as do professional counselors and other professional people dedicated to helping man live more effectively with himself and his fellow beings.
Trained counselors are an essential source of help as they work with the priesthood leaders, and as bishops work through them to help members. It is important that we continue to allow God to direct us in whatever is our assignment, and that we use our talents as required by the Lord.
As the father of the ward, the bishop has the responsibility of caring for the spiritual, temporal, and social welfare of his ward members. What a blessing it is that he does not have to maintain this welfare alone.
There is a social service task committee in every stake in the Church. This committee is comprised of specifically assigned high councilors who are responsible for the social-emotional needs within a stake.
When the bishop needs a trained counselor to help him with some social-emotional need within the ward and there are no members in his ward with such a professional background, he may turn to the stake social services task committee. This committee will then call on one or more of the resource people within the stake who have been called to serve in, such a capacity because of their abilities. The bishop, of course, is to direct and supervise any assistance given to any member of his ward.
The place of psychological counseling in the Church is under the supervision of the bishop, and one sees a counselor at the suggestion of the bishop. Perhaps we may follow the pattern set in the First Vision. The bishop may introduce a member in need to someone in whom he has confidence, and suggest that the member in need listen to the counsel of this person. Hopefully, through the joint efforts of the individual, the bishop, and the counselor, a better way of life will be realized.
Why do you date?
Dating is something that some girls dream about and some boys tolerate. It provides opportunities to practice social and relating skills that will eventually help you to sustain a happy and lasting marriage. It also provides opportunities to learn what qualities and characteristics you admire in different people you date and ultimately to select the one you will share this life and eternity with.
It seems to me that the important thing in dating, as in everything in life, is to keep things in the proper perspective. Ask yourself, What impact will this have on me? my family? friends? those who look to me for example? How important is it in light of my goals and plans for the future? What will be the consequences of my action for me and for others? What would my Heavenly Father have me do?
Remember that dating is not an end in itself. It is a means to an end. It is not even a true test of popularity. You can be very popular with your friends and still not have many dates.
As in all important decisions, think about the people you admire--your church leaders, teachers, family, and friends--and look to them as role models. Realize that the situations and values you see portrayed in many of the movies and television shows are contrived. They are not real life. Real life is what you create for yourself by the decisions you make.
One reason we live the law of chastity is to show that we love God and are obedient to his law. Avoiding unwed pregnancy and the diseases that are sometimes transmitted by sexual contact are other good reasons for being chaste, but even more important are the great blessings of self-respect, a clear conscience, the companionship of the Holy Ghost, self-control, being trusted, and being worthy of a mission and temple marriage. Each of these blessings is worthy of a parent-child discussion. Necking and Petting: President Spencer W. Kimball strongly declared that "among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are necking and petting. Not only do these improper relations often lead to fornication, pregnancy, and abortions--all ugly sins--but in and of themselves they are pernicious evils, and it is often difficult for youth to distinguish where one ends and another begins. They awaken lust and stir evil thoughts and sex desires.
They are but parts of the whole family of related sins and indiscretions. Paul wrote as if to modern young people who deceive themselves that their necking and petting are but expressions of love: 'Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves.' (Romans 1:24.) How could the evils of petting be more completely described? ...
"Our young people should know that their partners in sin will not love or respect them if they have freedom in fondling their bodies. Such a practice destroys respect, not only for the other person but for self. It destroys the ultimate respect for virtue. ...
"Too many have lost themselves completely in sin through this doorway of necking and petting. The devil knows how to destroy our young girls and boys. He may not be able to tempt a person to murder or to commit adultery immediately, but he knows that if he can get a boy and a girl to sit in the car late enough after the dance, or to park long enough in the dark at the end of the lane, the best boy and the best girl will finally succumb and fall. He knows that all have a limit to their resistance." (The Miracle of Forgiveness [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, Inc., 1969], pp. 65-66.)
Steady dating at an early age leads so often to tragedy. Studies have shown that the longer a boy and girl date one another, the more likely they are to get into trouble. Play board games. Faster-moving games where everyone participates are the best. Afterwards, move to the kitchen and make a snack.
* Camera capers. Ask a member of your group who doesn't know the plan to write down about 10 random objects or ideas. Then take pictures of the items on the list. The first group to finish the list wins. (Cameras that make instant prints, like Polaroid cameras, make this game even more fun.)
* Play sports. Make sure you don't have to sweat a whole lot and can still talk while you're at it. Volleyball and miniature golf are great ideas.
* Boat races. Live near a small river or creek? Make boats out of available materials and race them downstream.
* Go to a sporting event. It's better than a movie because you can still see each other and have a conversation. Pick something inexpensive that will interest everyone.
* Do a service project. On a date? Try it! You'll be surprised how fun work can be when you do it together for a good cause.
* Have a poetry party. Tell everyone to bring their favorite snacks and verses. Then get together and take turns reading.
* Visit a museum or historical site. Take advantage of guided tours whenever possible.
* Go to the zoo.
* Go fly a kite--or lots of them! Make them yourselves and then go out for a field test.
* Make dinner. Try a theme: progressive, ethnic, a little off the wall. The possibilities are practically endless.
There is a need to find a person not only of good character but also one with whom we can have a good relationship. The way we communicate in dating and courtship is a key to building a solid marital relationship. Sincere, positive communication practiced in dating and courtship increases the likelihood of greater commitment, better conflict resolution, and more love between partners in marriage.
Good communication begins with a righteous heart. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh" (Matt. 12:34). On the other hand, communication from a selfish heart is generally just manipulation. Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915-94) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: "If we would know true love and understanding one for another, we must realize that communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally."
Steve and Linda, who divorced after five years of marriage, realized this on looking back. Linda said it this way: "We had problems, I think, from the time we started dating. Neither of us is really good at communicating. I think I am a little better now than when we were dating. But neither one of us discussed our thoughts and feelings; we would get full of anger and neither one of us would talk."
The Right Time
President Hinckley offered this counsel about timing: "I hope you will not put off marriage too long. I do not speak so much to the young women as to the young men whose prerogative and responsibility it is to take the lead in this matter. Don't go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision."
Waiting too long is clearly ill advised. But jumping into marriage too quickly can also be a problem. President Lee advised that a young man not think of marriage until he is able to take care of a family of his own, to be independent. "He must make sure that he has found the girl of his choice, they have gone together long enough that they know each other, and that they know each other's faults and they still love each other. ... Brethren, think more seriously about the obligations of marriage for those who bear the holy priesthood at a time when marriage should be the expectation of every man who understands [his] responsibility." Women also need to wait until they are mature enough to assume the responsibilities of a wife and mother, without waiting too long while pursuing less important things.
Making the Decision
After thoughtfully and prayerfully considering all of these factors, we must be sure the decision we make is based on inspiration, not infatuation or desperation. As we seek a spiritual confirmation, we need to keep at least five things in mind.
First, we must be worthy to receive the inspiration we need.
Second, we must understand the balance between agency and inspiration. As Elder McConkie taught, "We make our own choices, and then we present the matter to the Lord and get his approving, ratifying seal." The experience of one young man illustrates this: "There are two things in my life that I've always felt would be important: a career and marriage. Yet at the time I didn't feel like I was getting a response. I prayed, 'Heavenly Father, this is so important, I need to know whether or not it's right.' Then toward the end of our courtship, I went to the temple. I was so frustrated because I wasn't getting an answer either way. After praying and waiting for an answer, I got more frustrated and gave up. That was when an impression came to me: 'You already know the answer.' Then I realized that God had answered my prayers. The decision to marry Becky always made sense and felt right. I can see now that God had been telling me in my heart and in my mind that it was a good decision. And later, at the time of the ceremony, I had another confirmation that what I was doing was right."
Third, we may seek several witnesses if we feel the need for additional confirmation. Sometimes we may have difficulty distinguishing between spiritual impressions and our own emotions, desires, or fears. A spiritual witness may be confirmed again in various ways. In His infinite love, mercy, and patience, our Heavenly Father is generous with His counsel and response to His children.
Fourth, we can learn to discern the differences between inspiration, infatuation, and desperation. Inspiration, as we have already seen, comes when one is living worthily, exercises agency righteously, and studies the situation out carefully. It can be confirmed by multiple spiritual enlightenments and peaceful feelings (see D&C 6:15, 22-23). Infatuation is usually manifest by an immature "love" that includes great anxiety, possessiveness, selfishness, clinging, and overdependence; this may be more likely with individuals who lack emotional and spiritual maturity. Desperation is often associated with social or cultural circumstances that create an atmosphere (at least in the person's mind) of "now or never"; pressure from peers, family, or cultural norms may lead to an unwise decision. A desire to get away from an unpleasant family situation or fear of failure in school or work can cause someone to look desperately to marriage as a way out of a problem. Such fears and anxieties often speak so loudly in our minds that we cannot hear the still, small whisperings of the Holy Spirit.
Fifth, the spiritual confirmation needs to come to both parties involved. A person should not feel that if his or her prospective partner receives a confirmation, he or she is therefore released from the necessity of seeking a similar personal confirmation. Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has discussed this issue: "If a revelation is outside the limits of stewardship, you know it is not from the Lord, and you are not bound by it. I have heard of cases where a young man told a young woman she should marry him because he had received a revelation that she was to be his eternal companion. If this is a true revelation, it will be confirmed directly to the woman if she seeks to know. In the meantime, she is under no obligation to heed it. She should seek her own guidance and make up her own mind. The man can receive revelation to guide his own actions, but he cannot properly receive revelation to direct hers. She is outside his stewardship."
Not long ago, my wife, Linda, and I were reminiscing about our courtship, and as I looked back, it seemed to me that I had been immature and inexperienced. I asked how she had dared to marry me. Her simple answer was, "I saw potential."
In that same vein, as we search for a mate with whom we can spend the eternities, we would do well to remember Elder Scott's counsel to recognize potential for growth: "I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife."
Avoid becoming too anxious about dating. A survey shows that over half of the girls who graduate from high school have never had a date. You may be one of these. But the number of dates need not determine your happiness. There are many wonderful things you can be doing rather than just waiting for a date, or for your fairy godmother as Cinderella did. Just learning to enjoy people and develop friends can be exciting if you'll let it. A girl who has many friends seems to be the one who attracts even more, and as you enlarge your circle of friends, others will be drawn in. And while you may not be dating, you will be sharing experiences, building memories, and having fun.
